It’s been a really long time coming, but I’m starting to feel comfortable opening up about this.

I think I sort of put it off for a long time, telling myself I was just being silly and that it didn’t really matter, that I’d change, or even that I was probably just projecting things I was hearing about in others onto myself, and that I was wrong to do that. Then I thought about it again, and I know I would never tell anyone else that giving themselves a comfortable label is wrong. So, more and more I have been letting myself really think about the way I feel about people and how I feel attraction, and I’m allowing myself to label that in a way that I feel really reflects me.

It’s been weighing on my mind a lot lately as I’ve learnt more and more about what being in the gray romantic spectrum really means and found that it all sort of makes sense to me in a way that no other explanation of relationships ever has. Coming into learning about these things so much later than I wish I had, I think I always just assumed I would one day just meet someone and feel what other people feel when they ‘fall in love’ but now I am beginning to think that simply isn’t the case for me.

I’m not entirely sure where I fall on the scale, but I do know now that I am on that scale. 

It’s all still a little complicated, and I know I might spend years more really figuring myself out, but for now I think I feel most comfortable with demi-romantic.

Mixed feelings after seeing my script supervisor… on the one hand, feeling pretty good, because he really liked it and disagreed with some of the feedback I got back from when it was marked, and it’s nice to know he didn’t mark it because some of the feedback totally contradicted things he advised me to do, also feeling pretty good that he acknowledged the work I did to improve it from the first draft he saw… and he said I was a good writer, which is always nice to hear, especially when that is something you maybe want to pursue in the future.

On the other hand, I’m now pretty pissed at my actual mark… I’m not saying it should be in the distinction marks or anything like that, but from the feedback I just got I would say mid-60’s wouldn’t have been unfair… I’ve been sat freaking out about how bad it must be and I’ve lost a lot of sleep over it, and cried more than once because I can’t figure out how to make it good, and now someone else is saying it’s actually pretty sound. Which great but also ugh.

Just a few extra marks would have made me feel so much safer going into this final project. It’s worth 50% of our overall grade, and if it doesn’t do well… I just really want to get a Merit overall, and I just wanted to be leveling at 65/66 to give myself that safety net and because the script development module was worth more than most of the other modules it drags it down. 

I could maybe reach 64 overall so far, so long as my Group Project marks are in the mid 70’s. Which I guess they could be… but it’s like, for want of maybe 2 marks more I might have not been so messed up the last couple of weeks… and if it weren’t for a certain amount of personal preference in terms of linear vs non-linear story telling, I might have got them and just… ugh.

I think my housemate is a bit confused over why I’m not planning on doing anything for my birthday… I mean it’s lovely of her to worry but… it’s hard to explain to people tbh. It’s not that I don’t like my birthday (although as I get older I’ve started going into denial in the run up xP) I do and I like when people acknowledge it and wish me a happy birthday, it’s always nice to be thought of, but the idea of having like a party just fills me with dread.

It’s like, you have to organise something and you don’t know if it’s what people will enjoy and yes okay it’s my birthday but I would want people to enjoy themselves and then it’s how many people do you invite? Because I’m tee-total and I hate clubbing so it’s not like I can just open invitation to go out in the evening drinking, it would have to be something at my house or like a sit-down meal and it’s like how many people do you invite to something like that? And inevitably someone gets forgotten or you offend someone because you chose a select group of your closest friends… not to mention that most of my really close friends are super far from me right now.

Plus the fact that I’m a social disaster, like I can handle myself in small groups, and in big groups if the focus is on someone else, but being the centre of attention and everyone relying on me to make decisions because it’s my birthday is just terrifying. Then of course there’s the equally crippling fear that nobody actually likes me so nobody would come anyway which is probably totally irrational but also still something that niggles at my brain.

Normally I’d go home but I can’t right now and my mum can’t come up to see me until next week so I don’t have that excuse. Anyway I’ve just said I want to have a quiet day, and that’s been accepted but yeah I just needed to get this stuff off my chest because it’s hard to say out loud.

Sorry this was rambly and dumb and self-obsessed.

You know when you’re watching something you love, with someone who hasn’t seen it before and they’re clearly not enjoying it that much so they just sort of make inane comments, and also slag off your favourite character… yeah.

Last night I had a dream that I joined a singing group and I got told off for being louder than everyone else, and it’s basically just a flashback to when I was 15 and rehearsing for Oliver and my teacher who was standing at the back of the hall just marched forward yelling at everyone else that the group isn’t loud enough and the only person he could even hear properly was me and proceeded to stand me infront of everyone like ‘Have you seen this tiny little person? She’s the only one making any noise right now’ and it was sort of mortifying and everyone glared at me, but also I was really proud of myself… idk that was so unnecessary I just felt like sharing.

I found a post about Science = Reality and it sent me on a very long rant in my own head about how ‘well duh the only way that it isn’t reality is if this universe is just a construct and nothing in it is actually real in which case the science of the world creating this one is what’s real’ and that very quickly spiraled out of control and lead me down a rabbit hole of thoughts on what might or might not be reality and it got a bit existential and then a little bit scary…

and now i don’t want to go to sleep.